Oh, foolishness.

I'm going to cut right to the chase here, folks. I am tired of being an idiot. Okay, that's a little harsh. I am not an idiot. But I'd rather call myself stupid than smart. If I call myself smart, and then don't live up to it, then I look--surprise, surprise--stupid, but if I say I'm stupid and then seem smart, then it really is a surprise. Even that whole last sentence sounded ridiculous. What I'm trying to say is, I know that I could potentially be a smart, informed person, and I know that I already am at least vaguely intelligent. But if I would just quit being so lazy, I could do so much better with myself.

And don't get me wrong; I'm not trying to fill up on man's wisdom or anything of the sort--I mean scripturally smart as well. I'd like to know the Bible as cerebrally as I feel like I sometimes get it spiritually and emotionally. Like, I want to memorize the kings of Judah and Israel, be able to reference and quote verses in an even vaguely correct manner, know chronological orders.

This is coming off like a really dry post, but I've just been realizing lately that my brain has been completely on auto-pilot, cruise control for much, much too long. I had a stack of stupid library books that I intended to read, but I looked at them and thought, wow, I could probably buy these at the grocery store. And in my opinion, if you can buy it at the grocery store, it's likely not worth reading. Some exceptions, but these books, had they actually been in the grocery store, would not have been those. So, frustrated with myself and my ignorance, I took the whole lot of it back to the library without thinking twice. While I was there, I got some books that I thought might actually benefit me in some way. So nothing you can buy at the grocery store. Sorry, grocery stores, you should stick to what you do best: groceries.

I spent all day today kind of doing smartly things (are you seeing where I'm coming from? I just used the "word," "smartly.") I read some Mackintosh (whoa. I am not known for my ministry reading, but I'm trying, really, I am), did a lot of Bible-ing, some Bible searchers, which, while not entirely intellectually stimulating, are at least a noble activity, and they are kind of difficult these days, if only because of an unfortunate change in authorship. I read a couple of poems, and am now writing. This writing is kind of ridiculous, but I find it a good exercise to try and write at least once in a while. I'm really bad at doing it in a consistent, timely way, but I'll keep trying.

I'm mostly just really terrified that I'll jump back into school, and this time into an actual university, and find it over my head like it's never been before. And really, it's been years since I felt challenged. I'm terrible at challenging myself, and let's face it, my self has been my only real schoolmaster for the past three years now. The last time I did any work I was proud of was my senior year of high school, in 2006, and looking back on that, while I'm still pleased with it, it seems almost a little juvenile now. I'm just afraid that all of a sudden, school at a normal level will be difficult. I'm not trying to be like, I'm so smart, regular school is ridiculous for me, but honestly, I'm going for an English major, and the last time I was in a regular level communications course outside of community college was literally in the second grade.

In college I stayed regular because it was cheap, but it was absolutely ridiculous. I would write a paper in an hour, and get a note from my teacher saying it was the best work in the class. I'm not bragging--this is regular level, community college English. About 40 percent of my classmates were ESL (not saying they're dumb, just that English=not their forte obviously). But my point is this: I got lazy, and I'm afraid I've forgotten how to bring my A-game to the table. I feel like I don't even know how to speak to someone intelligently anymore. I don't know why all of a sudden I'm so anxious about it. Maybe I'm just nervous about school coming up again, and I've always been a little bit unnecessarily defensive about my college "career" (see how I did that? I pretend it's fake because it's community college. IT'S NOT FAKE! I hate how little credit I give myself sometimes.). I don't know.

But anyhow, I've resolved to stop being so whiney about it, and just do something with my time. I'm going to avoid books for people who don't read, and maybe actually put something worthwhile and satisfying into my head. Like the way I'm avoiding sweets and the like. I've got time on my hands before school, and maybe doing this will make the transition a little less scary. Anyhow, I'm all gung ho at this point, and so I'm going to go pick one of my new library books to get started on. How I wish I didn't beat on myself so much. : )