WOW.

It has been a loooong time, friends. I mean, myself. I have no friends, not bloggerly ones, anyway. It has just been SUCH a busy summer. Wow.

I'm working full time, frantically basically in order to make money, ugh. But also, I'm appearing as a bridesmaid for the first time in me-history, I'm going to Romania for the first time in me-history, and going back to college! It sounds like I'm going back to college after I've gotten old, but I've only been out for a semester. And this little short list does not sound that crazy, but I'll tell you right now, it is. I promise.

I just feel kind of exhausted mentally, just everything going on with wedding plans, even just planning to pack for Romania, and then ohmyword, getting school together has been insane to me. Working out money stuff, and I'm finally registered, but it's taken a lot of mental energy.

Anyhow, sorry this isn't funny or interesting or anything, to any soul who happens upon this sorry blog, but whatever. I mostly did this boring little stuff in order to remind myself how much I miss my short little blog. : ) I'll get there.

There are some days when I can't do anything but just sit with the Lord. If you'll pardon the vaguely emo departure, I'm not feeling the humor today. This is going to be crazy unorganized, and whatever, but it's my blog, and I guess I'll do as I please, won't I?

It's odd to feel so out of sorts with everything getting gorgeous around me. The weather is beautiful at home, and I spent the weekend in North Carolina where, even cloudy and rainy as it was at times, the view was nothing short of breathtaking. But in the same breath that I'm thanking Him for such fantastic creation, I'm begging for peace. It's so odd to me that it's possible for me to be so almost divided. How is it that I can still feel so in love with Him, and yet be so anguished? Ha, is this what it's like to be married to an insufferable man? In all seriousness though, in the past, when I've been angry at the Lord--ashamed as I am to admit it, I have been--the anger has always temporarily blinded me, and made me forget His inherent goodness. When I've had issues with the Lord, this is how it goes: I get mad, forget what He is, He reminds me, and we're all good.

But somehow, this time around things are a little less cut and dry. Maybe it's because all weekend, just as the storm was hitting, waves of reminders of His goodness on the other side were crashing just as hard. So the hot and cold waters are kind of mingling in me and storming around, and I just don't really know how to feel. I've had to turn off a little bit, and just kind of let the Lord just...be? I don't know. We're still talking, I'm still saying words, and still reading His, but I just can't figure out myself right now. I want to adore Him, and I want to run as far away from Him as I can at the same time almost. Like those old-timey Bogart-ish movies where the tough guy grabs the arms of his lady as she pummels his chest, and then with a cry she surrenders and kisses him like she always wanted. I apologize for the wierdness of my description just now, but I always used to think that was ridiculous, kind of until now. I sort of get it, because it's as close as I can get to how I feel.

I can't finish this right now...

And this is days later anyway. Good times.

Lovely day, isn't it?

Yes, yes it is. And this, my friends, is my revelation for the week. I'm not sure what all has been building up to this, but over the last week or so, my whole life has been shouting at me, "Enjoy this! Revel in the everyday!" It sounds really cheesy, like Joel-Osteen-esque or something. Maybe not Joel Osteen per se, but just any random ambiguously inspirational television preacher? Anyhow. I was just hearing a song on the radio the other day, one I do at least vaguely like, but I've heard it a few times more than a bunch, and yet for some reason the lyrics just kind of popped this last week. I'm going to just put the good chorus-y bit of the lyrics up, because it's the whole song most succinctly (I always spell that wrong!) worded (that's usually what choruses are I suppose), and because I think writing out parts of songs like the "Oh yeah"s and what not is silly. Apologies for the crazy run-on. Look up the rest of the song if you like.

It might not be the prettiest thing that you'll ever see but it's a new day...
And it might not look like a beautiful sunrise, but it's a new day....
"New Day" by the Robby Seay Band

It's a decent sounding song, but I mostly like the lyrics. And I think what it is for me is just that I don't nearly appreciate things enough in life. Yes, when I wake up in the morning, I thank the Lord for the nice weather if we're having it, and for a good night's sleep, and little things like that, which are well and good, but I feel almost as if I'm just saying thanks as a formality. As if someone gave you a gift bag full of junk you didn't really want, but you said thanks just to be polite. And how could I possibly have that attitude towards the Lord? I don't know if that's exactly the right analogy--I'm not displeased in any way in His gifts to me, but rather just apathetic. Like, oh cool, I'm still alive. I'm still saved. Thanks.

I don't know, this is all coming out jumbled. My whole thing was not that I'm not grateful enough (though understand me, I'm not), but rather that I should pay more attention to the little things He gives me every day. The fact that He gives me a day at all is almost astounding sometimes. And a lot of times those days just get completely squandered--I either do nothing productive, or I have no enjoyment of it. Part of why this is such a big thing to me I think is the whole non-schooling thing I'm going through at the moment, and it just feels like, since I'm not finished schooling, that I'm in a weird limbo, when really the Lord's given me this time for a reason and a purpose. What it is, I probably won't fully know until I'm back in school.

I learned that verse, Psalm 118:24, when I was a super small child, but I don't think about it hardly enough. So much of the time I'm complaining about little daily things, like traffic, like not-the-cool-kind-of-rain, like losing my keys, when there are really wonderful things to be thankful for. Like cold glasses of milk, like new plant sprouts, like a favorite old song playing over the intercom at the grocery store. Just little things like that. It sounds so sappy, but there really are little wondrous things all around of which I take absolutely no notice. I smile, I chuckle a little bit, and then it's back to the grind. I just feel like I need to be more aware of how good things are for me. This is the day that the Lord has made, I will be glad and rejoice in it. That's once.

Oh, foolishness.

I'm going to cut right to the chase here, folks. I am tired of being an idiot. Okay, that's a little harsh. I am not an idiot. But I'd rather call myself stupid than smart. If I call myself smart, and then don't live up to it, then I look--surprise, surprise--stupid, but if I say I'm stupid and then seem smart, then it really is a surprise. Even that whole last sentence sounded ridiculous. What I'm trying to say is, I know that I could potentially be a smart, informed person, and I know that I already am at least vaguely intelligent. But if I would just quit being so lazy, I could do so much better with myself.

And don't get me wrong; I'm not trying to fill up on man's wisdom or anything of the sort--I mean scripturally smart as well. I'd like to know the Bible as cerebrally as I feel like I sometimes get it spiritually and emotionally. Like, I want to memorize the kings of Judah and Israel, be able to reference and quote verses in an even vaguely correct manner, know chronological orders.

This is coming off like a really dry post, but I've just been realizing lately that my brain has been completely on auto-pilot, cruise control for much, much too long. I had a stack of stupid library books that I intended to read, but I looked at them and thought, wow, I could probably buy these at the grocery store. And in my opinion, if you can buy it at the grocery store, it's likely not worth reading. Some exceptions, but these books, had they actually been in the grocery store, would not have been those. So, frustrated with myself and my ignorance, I took the whole lot of it back to the library without thinking twice. While I was there, I got some books that I thought might actually benefit me in some way. So nothing you can buy at the grocery store. Sorry, grocery stores, you should stick to what you do best: groceries.

I spent all day today kind of doing smartly things (are you seeing where I'm coming from? I just used the "word," "smartly.") I read some Mackintosh (whoa. I am not known for my ministry reading, but I'm trying, really, I am), did a lot of Bible-ing, some Bible searchers, which, while not entirely intellectually stimulating, are at least a noble activity, and they are kind of difficult these days, if only because of an unfortunate change in authorship. I read a couple of poems, and am now writing. This writing is kind of ridiculous, but I find it a good exercise to try and write at least once in a while. I'm really bad at doing it in a consistent, timely way, but I'll keep trying.

I'm mostly just really terrified that I'll jump back into school, and this time into an actual university, and find it over my head like it's never been before. And really, it's been years since I felt challenged. I'm terrible at challenging myself, and let's face it, my self has been my only real schoolmaster for the past three years now. The last time I did any work I was proud of was my senior year of high school, in 2006, and looking back on that, while I'm still pleased with it, it seems almost a little juvenile now. I'm just afraid that all of a sudden, school at a normal level will be difficult. I'm not trying to be like, I'm so smart, regular school is ridiculous for me, but honestly, I'm going for an English major, and the last time I was in a regular level communications course outside of community college was literally in the second grade.

In college I stayed regular because it was cheap, but it was absolutely ridiculous. I would write a paper in an hour, and get a note from my teacher saying it was the best work in the class. I'm not bragging--this is regular level, community college English. About 40 percent of my classmates were ESL (not saying they're dumb, just that English=not their forte obviously). But my point is this: I got lazy, and I'm afraid I've forgotten how to bring my A-game to the table. I feel like I don't even know how to speak to someone intelligently anymore. I don't know why all of a sudden I'm so anxious about it. Maybe I'm just nervous about school coming up again, and I've always been a little bit unnecessarily defensive about my college "career" (see how I did that? I pretend it's fake because it's community college. IT'S NOT FAKE! I hate how little credit I give myself sometimes.). I don't know.

But anyhow, I've resolved to stop being so whiney about it, and just do something with my time. I'm going to avoid books for people who don't read, and maybe actually put something worthwhile and satisfying into my head. Like the way I'm avoiding sweets and the like. I've got time on my hands before school, and maybe doing this will make the transition a little less scary. Anyhow, I'm all gung ho at this point, and so I'm going to go pick one of my new library books to get started on. How I wish I didn't beat on myself so much. : )

howdy spring time!

I am mucho excited that spring time has finally deigned to make an appearance in the Chicagoland area. It was like 75 degrees out yesterday! I wasn't just being delusional, like I get when the temp climbs to 35--it was for serious warm! Beautiful. And the several days beforehand were likewise gorgeous. I went bike riding for the first time this year, for about an hour or so which was wholly as satisfying as I thought it would be. Then all the cool kids went rollerblading after meeting for a good hour, hour and a half.

I declare, spring time is my absolute favourite. You can smell things growing--not in a gross way or anything of course. But that sort of rainy, but sunny smell...if they could bottle that... I just love so much about March, April, May. I love that sort of chilliness in the morning that's more refreshing than cold, and that wet smell in the air, and the little pokey plants coming up. And how could I forget the wittle baby animals running around everywhere? I promise you, I still get as excited to see a baby bunny in the yard as I did when I was five years old. My nannied kids are like, okay, we get it, there's a squirrel on the back porch. Grow up. I point out every single critter that comes near the house with a ridiculous amount of awe. I made a three year old watch a hawk on the swing set for like 15 minutes. And are my kiddies in for a treat now that it's spring and animals are coming back! : )

I'm really excited too, because I'm planning on working on a garden in our yard! Wow. We usually get plots across town, but it costs money, they're kind of far, and people can steal your veggies. So I thought with a bit of trepidation about getting a garden started in the backyard with all my favorites--zucchini, squash, tomatoes, beans, peas, leeks(!)--and was like, oh no, how am I going to figure all this out? And then our Better Homes and (wait for it) Gardens (!) came in the mail with a big ol' article on how to do little box gardens in the backyard. So exciting. So I have a bunch of seed packets, and some little planters for an herb garden, so I can finally use the fresh seasoning my recipes call for. God is amazing, that we can just stick some seeds into the ground, and proceed to watch them grow into plants that produce fruit to nourish us. And fruit that's tasty, notwithstanding!

The only wrench in my spring loving this week was that two of the kiddies had the flu. : ( Us poor lot, we were stuck inside mostly. It was just the respiratory type of flu, so no vomit, praise the Lord. I had my first experience being vomited on a few weeks ago, when my neighbour's whole family got the stomach flu, and I babysat while parent and child alike puked everywhere. Not so fun. So yesterday, I worked all day, because my two (T-10 and E-7) school-bound kiddies were instead home-bound with fevers and coughs and runny noses and the like. The poor dears had no energy to argue all day long, and were so good all day, it was pitiful. I mean, they're never bad per se, but they can get touchy with each other, and do little things like sneaking extra candy at snack time, that kind of thing. But all their energy was spent using the clicker to pick the next recorded episode of Full House (everywhere you look, everywhere is a heart, is a heart...). It was cute, but I was sad for them and for me that they felt so bad and that we couldn't enjoy the bee-yoo-tiful weather. Normally on such a nice day we'd spend the whole afternoon at a playground, or getting ice cream or some such fun, but not so that day. So we left only to go pick H up from preschool, and she and I played outside for a little bit in the afternoon. E was still home from school today with her dad, so I had the day off, but hopefully she's feeling better, and everyone's on the upswing. Thankfully my mom gave me my flu shot (at the dinner table no less, haha) so I don't feel susceptible, but it's miserable to see little kids sick, even if they're slightly easier to manage in such a state. : )

Anyhow, it's off to bed I go, in case I get a call in the morning saying E is still too sick for school, and that I need to go stay with her. Otherwise, it's off to bed I go, so I can force myself into getting some bodily work done in the morning. Yoga? Running? Weights? I'm so ambitious, and yet so seldom do I follow through. Ugh. Good night to all anyway!

an update.

and how are you all on this fine friday morning? i apologize to the three of you who "read" (scroll through when you have five seconds to wait for another page to load) this sorry attempt at a blog, however, i have this thing where i like to hibernate in february. the end of winter is sometimes the hardest for me. me--when will it ever end? february--soon, but not now. but now, friends, it is MARCH! the month where i hope and pray spring will stay, but without doubt, lets itself out. ... out a...door or something. it lets winter back in. this is stupid.

but seriously though, the past couple of days=bee-YOO-tiful! which is funny, because it was only like 52. i thought it was even beautiful yesterday, when it was about 44. oh, being from the midwest. or anywhere else normally cold in winter time. it was sooo beautiful that i was a nice nanny and took the kids for ice cream and to the park! i'm the best nanny ever, i know.

anyhow, a few (slightly) more exciting things going on right now for me, in case anyone may be interested (haha): numero uno (did you know, this is also italian for "number one," not just spanish? tuck that one away. it'll do you no good ever basically.) i'm looking at some new school prospects! picking on school stuff has been hard for me because, while i am a people person and all about social, emotional, human stuff, i don't want to be a teacher, and so i've struggled with the other viable options for people with these interests only. i know there's lots of good careers for people just like me, but no choice has ever really screamed, this is you! you'll love this! still nothing is really screaming that, but the Lord is opening up some doors for me to peek inside i think, and work some things out with Him as pertaining to my future schooling. pretty exciting.

also more than fairly sweet is, we're "planning," and by planning i mean we one time looked at some rental timeshares online, a little family reunion--my mom's sisters, her, and families--at myrtle beach! i've never been, but hear many good things. i like what i've seen of the carolinas thus far, which is not much. i stayed in lake junaluska one weekend, and then spent the night in some hotel in some part of a carolina, can't remember which, or what town, or anything. but it was nice! i'm praying this will work out; our family always has a lot of fun together, as long as we have time to break things down a little.

that's pretty much all. i'm reading a boatload of library books, my knitting eyes are getting bigger than my stomach, not to mention my "skill," and i am slowly but surely trying to get back into an exercise routine. we shall see! until next time...

Hanging out you'all.

I don't know what this means. I wanted to say ya'll but make sure it didn't sound like I was really saying ya'll. I'm a little bit stupid.

So I'm just hanging out here, we're waiting for my cousins so we can be on our way to GRAND RAPIDS, MICHIGAN!!! I know, you're jealous. You'll just have to control yourself. Sorry. Actually, though, seriously, Grand Rapids is cool and fun. I think. I've never been there in winter time. Though I'm sure it's "cool" in the temperature sense of the word.

Speaking of temperature, oh man, was it a bee-yootiful day! I don't mean to sound all arrogant about how much winter I can handle (even though I mostly hate it), but seriously, 35 degrees felt like summer time outside. I actually heard a lady in all seriousness refer to today as a nice, spring day. It is February 6th, and 35. And yes, in Chicago, and probably in a lot of places, that feels like a nice, spring day when it's been about 60 degrees colder than that with wind chill.

Haha, so it's now like a week and a half later. And there's snow on the ground again. : ( I'm only posting this boring post to give my loyal readers something to read. Haha...more later?