There are some days when I can't do anything but just sit with the Lord. If you'll pardon the vaguely emo departure, I'm not feeling the humor today. This is going to be crazy unorganized, and whatever, but it's my blog, and I guess I'll do as I please, won't I?

It's odd to feel so out of sorts with everything getting gorgeous around me. The weather is beautiful at home, and I spent the weekend in North Carolina where, even cloudy and rainy as it was at times, the view was nothing short of breathtaking. But in the same breath that I'm thanking Him for such fantastic creation, I'm begging for peace. It's so odd to me that it's possible for me to be so almost divided. How is it that I can still feel so in love with Him, and yet be so anguished? Ha, is this what it's like to be married to an insufferable man? In all seriousness though, in the past, when I've been angry at the Lord--ashamed as I am to admit it, I have been--the anger has always temporarily blinded me, and made me forget His inherent goodness. When I've had issues with the Lord, this is how it goes: I get mad, forget what He is, He reminds me, and we're all good.

But somehow, this time around things are a little less cut and dry. Maybe it's because all weekend, just as the storm was hitting, waves of reminders of His goodness on the other side were crashing just as hard. So the hot and cold waters are kind of mingling in me and storming around, and I just don't really know how to feel. I've had to turn off a little bit, and just kind of let the Lord just...be? I don't know. We're still talking, I'm still saying words, and still reading His, but I just can't figure out myself right now. I want to adore Him, and I want to run as far away from Him as I can at the same time almost. Like those old-timey Bogart-ish movies where the tough guy grabs the arms of his lady as she pummels his chest, and then with a cry she surrenders and kisses him like she always wanted. I apologize for the wierdness of my description just now, but I always used to think that was ridiculous, kind of until now. I sort of get it, because it's as close as I can get to how I feel.

I can't finish this right now...

And this is days later anyway. Good times.